With Eiko, on our first day as interns.
Ever since starting at Cutters all the way back in 2012, not a year has gone by that I didn’t think about leaving. The hours were insane, the work was thankless and whatever social life I had left was quickly evaporating. I regularly worked 18 hour days, assisting multiple editors at once and often went for months without a single day off. Planned holidays were cancelled at the last limit and I became that guy who always flakes on plans, shows up an hour late for dates, or worst, makes his date wait in the Cutters lobby while he finished unexpected work.
That guy was generally miserable and complained all the time. Sometimes in the hope of making things better, but sometimes just to vent. It got to a point where the only conversation I was capable of having was about how shit Cutters was or how insane the bosses were. It took me a really long time to realize that even if the people around me would agree, empathize or even pile on, the simple truth was they did not enjoy being around me. I was bumming them out and creating an incredibly negative bubble around me.
And yet, I stayed for nearly 9 years.
If it was so rough, why did I put myself through that? If I was so miserable, why did I stay? The answer is twofold: my career, and the people.
I have a monitor, which we all know means I made it as a director.
Career:
At the end of each year, I always took a moment to look back on the past 12 months and think about the progress I had made every year. Have I grown? Did I learn new things? Is my career in a better state than it was at the same time last year? Are there any indication of better things to come? Have I made new contacts? Am I a better filmmaker?
Almost every year, the answer was yes. Although it may seem slow in retrospect, I was making professional progress yearly and that was enough. I didn’t really think about personal relationships that much and if I had, I would have been even more depressed. The progress I was making was enough to justify staying another year and it kept me feeling safe. Safe in the knowledge that I would be able to pay rent, safe in the knowledge that I had a career that seemed to be enviable for a lot people, or so I told myself. I couldn’t imagine myself really fitting in with any other company in Tokyo so going freelance was the only obvious alternative. That thought was terrifying. If I was so bad at sales with the Cutters brand behind me, how could I possibly be better on my own?
Cutters Studios wasn’t always bad to me, when I decided to direct, they took on jobs for me that made no financial sense for the company but gave me great experience and kickstarted my reel. All the GQ projects were made on a shoestring budget and we used a lot of resources for projects that brought in less than my monthly salary. They also put me on bigger projects at a time where my reel definitely did not justify it. I went in blind on the Lexus and JNTO projects and although they were tough projects, they were huge for my reel and led to many more projects later on.
The people:
If there is one thing no one can ever take away from Cutters, it’s their ability to attract and recognize unique personalities and talent. I have made a lot of very good friends in my time there. I genuinely enjoyed the time spent with some of my coworkers. We supported each other, provided encouragement or a sympathetic ear in the basement with copious amounts of drinks. We had similar aspirations and goals and cared about each other’s accomplishments, challenges and failures. People came and went a lot and I was always sad when they did.
only about 5 of these people are still at Cutters
I came to realize that some of them were not only my good friends, they were basically my only friends. I love the people I worked with I was afraid I would lose them if I left.
So why did I leave?
The pandemic changed my perspective on things. At first, I only thought about the impact it was having on my career. I had just won a pitch to direct a campaign for New-Caledonia and was in pre-production with a concept that I had come up with and sold to the client. Everything was cancelled when the first cases of Covid-19 appeared in Japan. I was depressed and feared that a prolonged pandemic was going to seriously set me back. I know that looking back at all the people who lost their lives and livelihood makes my personal concern seem very small in comparison but that’s how I personally perceived it at the time.
This was when I started working from home for the first time which was an experience I absolutely loved. Having more control over my hours, being able to take a break to work out, cook a meal or have a nap was something I had not experienced since well, ever. I was more productive while being healthier than I had ever been. I spent a lot more time with my girlfriend and it made our relationship much stronger, or so I thought at the time.
Healthy and balanced
When the management at Cutters decided to call us all back, even though the pandemic was still raging I wasn’t satisfied with the reasons they gave us. They were used to being pampered, surrounded by assistants, interns, studio managers and producers at their beck and call, having their meals ordered, their footage organized, they could not adapt to a new working style. Hilariously, they said they couldn’t verify that we were working the right amount of hours, which anyone working in a creative field will find laughable.
Two Covid cases in the office later led to me having to direct a shoot remotely and that’s when I knew that I just didn’t matter. This is something I should have come to realize a long time ago. Just because I cared deeply about my coworkers and the company itself, it didn’t mean my personal and professional wellbeing was even a factor to them.
It’s during this time also that the company started to change its goal to content creation. Basically, they want to make features and episodic series. Personally, I’m all for that. No one in their right mind want to make advertising forever and telling better stories is something every filmmaker wants. I quickly came to realize however, that this only really applied to one person. With no green lit project, we had more than half the company basically working on his passion projects. The rest of us would be unable to access these resources for paid client projects. It became apparent that the future was to make this guy’s passion projects and I just couldn’t see how I fit in to that plan.
It’s also around that time that I started doing sales more aggressively. I almost always received the same response: “We would love to work with you, but not while your work at Cutters” The reputation for being expensive and difficult was now hurting my chances more than they were helping.
The good of the many outweighs the good of one. Or whatever, something like that.
With all of that, the freelance life started to become more and more appealing so in March 2021, I gave myself a deadline. I would leave the company at the end of the summer. This gave me a few months to gather contacts, wrap up projects and generally prepare my departure. I had planned to announce my departure at the end of July with a month’s notice. Last thing I wanted was to slam the door on my way out or cause any kind of problem for my coworkers who decided to stay.
Now, of course there were people I would share my decision with before then. I didn’t want to hide it from Sachi for example. I also told my assistant Mai since I thought it could affect her as well. There were other people inside and outside of the company whom I told, probably one too many since in a bright morning in mid July, one of them told a member of management who was in the middle of a management meeting. I was told the reaction was quite strong and angry.
The next day, I had lunch with David, the creative director and my immediate supervisor. He asked me directly and I told him my plan. He strongly suggested, in the way that people in management position tend to make suggestions that leave no other choice, that I simply leave the company at the end of that week.
You see I wasn’t the only one leaving Cutters. My long time friend Toshiki, colorist and biggest money maker in the company was also leaving. Apparently management feared that the two of us leaving at the same time would hurt morale too much and they didn’t want our presence to be a constant reminder for the newer employees.
Not the best timing.
Although I could see where he was coming from, I was co-directing a campaign for Porsche with Sachi and I absolutely wanted to see it through. Sachi is the one who stood up for me and told David she needed me to finish the project. It was her first time directing and she still felt she needed the support but the truth is she would have been fine without me. She is just a loyal friend and wanted me to have the chance to see the project through to the end. Which I did.
I am so thankful for the years I spent at Cutters. They took me in at the time where they were the absolute coolest shop in town and taught me everything I know. They completely changed the way I approach film, editing, directing and creativity in general. I had never actually felt like I could fit in with any other employer before Cutters. Unlike all the other places I had worked at since my first job at the age of 14, they didn’t try to make me conform (there were exceptions but they’re gone so who cares?) but rather encouraged me to lean in to who I am and make it into my strength. They started me on a quest to find an authentic life and although I can’t say I’m there yet, I feel good about the person I can become.
Going freelance was simply said, a terrifying prospect. I had been living with decent salaries since I was 21 and never faced financial insecurity since my college days. This led me to accept every single offer that came my way, including projects that are incredibly time consuming, low pay and worst of all, without any chance of making my reel any better. I took on editing jobs that I should have turned down most of all.
As of writing these lines, it’s been three months since I left cutters and I have yet to take the time to really step back and catch my breath. I just plunged into the work with abandon. Some of the projects I took on have been a great experience and helped me create new relationships. I still live with a lot of doubts and fears about what the future may hold for me but I am optimistic that I made the right choice and it will lead me to become more fulfilled as a director and a person.
Or maybe I’ll be back living with my mom by next year…
